A Mother's Untold Story

I want to let anyone know about the behavior of my 14 year old child because maybe it can ease the heavy load I carry on physically and emotionally.But after all the attempt I ended keeping my mouth shut. I love her so much and I don' t want other people  know about her temper  that sometimes she did things out of her control and cause her to blaze out. I'm trying my very best to understand her even though it seems like I am the most stupid mother in the whole world.I gave her whatever she want doing the best of my capability to do so.She's not doing household chores it's up to her if she want to wash the dishes or sweep the floor I did'nt oblige her to do it and it's one of my biggest mistake.I did'nt train her to help me in our household works.

          There are times that we are happy together talking about our favorite Kdrama and favorite Korean actor.We laughed  and shared our thought about Kdrama. She is competitive in her study she' s always an honor student from Kinder to Grade 8. She did well in extra curricular too specially during Elementary.Story telling is her excellent talent.She can sing too but growing up she lost her self confidence and she became concious of her body figure and looks.I missed my child being"BIBO" and full of self confidence. She is clingy back then. I missed her hug and kisses maybe it is the process of growing up.As she aged she will no longer attached to her mother by doing hugs and kisses maybe she is shy doing it because she is thinking that she is already big girl to do it.

       Yes! we have lots of happy memories we shared as mother and daughter.I am a supportive mother and God knows I love her so much.But there is an untold stories of us her father knew about her bad temper but did'nt actually witnessed what I've been through with our child.

      Sometimes without any reason her anger cause a fight between us.If I say a word and she don't like ,it she suddenly shout, throwed  things, or the worst hitting me. Way back when she was 8 years old she was fun of playing outside.It came to a point that she suddenly gone and going with her friends to a  place I did'nt know.Of course a mother like me worried a lot with a bit of anger for what she did. Scolding her blazing her out she hitted me and bite my arms.The bite turned into bruises I posted it on Facebook without caption and my FB friends thought I was in an accident.I can't tell them the truth I want to protect my daughter no matter what she did to me. I don't know if there are some  child same with her character.I am wondering if it's a mental health issue.

      Lately, because of quarantine due to Covid-19 she can't go out and her attention goes to social media following updates of her favorite Kpop group holding her cellphone almost 24/7.I worried about it, I talked to her of course but it' s nothing to her.She continued doing unhealthy habits.Her lack of sleep brings temper that do things she is not meant to do.I know she is heartily sorry after seeing me crying but she is ashamed to express it. She felt the guilt of my tender loving care that it looks like I'm her servant and not her mother.Her guilt turned into anger towards me and one time I read her post on facebook that she don't deserve my patience and she don't even know herself why she's doing such things.

      This kind of life for me is a burden.It brought so much heart ache, pain, worries and anxiety.It does'nt happen everyday but when it happens I feel so hopeless and thinking of ending my life as the solution.I know prayer will help but sometimes I questioned God for this suffering.Did I really deserve this as payment of my sin to my parents? I cant change my path in my life and I hope I can survive.I am a mother and love my child so much.